Self-Love Heals Loss: Our Birth Story

David and I recently welcomed our baby girl Genevieve June Long into the world on September 11, 2024. Shortly after she was born, as I was cradling her in my arms, I heard our doctor utter the words “placenta accreta,” a condition where the placenta is unable to detach after birth. She told me it was imperative that I receive a hysterectomy, otherwise, the risk that my children would lose their mother and my husband would become a widower for the second time dramatically increased. As I lay in shock, my mind began running the tape on the collective loss my family has endured and a peaceful clarity came over me. This peace and David’s beautiful eyes looking down at me while holding our newborn baby girl enabled me to confidently say “yes” to the hysterectomy knowing it would leave me unable to bear another child. During the operation, I was clueless as to how dire the situation had become. As I write this today, I am still overcome by how unaware I was in my body. It makes me hopeful that Carl and Betsy were also blissfully unaware before life was taken from them. 

As expected, the shock eventually wore off. Generations of women in my family have successfully delivered babies. I’d convinced myself, despite being high risk, that I, too, would have an easy delivery, that I was born to carry babies. In the days after my delivery, the reality hit me that the opportunity to have more children was taken from me for the second time in my life. The fact that I will not be having another child with David has been difficult to come to terms with. I’ve cried a lot. Then, in those moments of longing and loss, I look at all of our children and my tears turn from tears of grief to tears of relief that I’m safe and able to be here with them. 

It’s not lost on me that once again death has become my greatest teacher. Every loss I’ve experienced has brought me clarity and closer to my true self. In loss, deep love and resonance have been born because of my decision to choose self-love despite everything that has been taken from me and my family. But, alongside our losses, we’ve also been given so much, including our newest and greatest gift — Genevieve. She’s kind and full of joy. When I hold her, I often wonder if mine and David’s love imprinted on her as she was developing in my womb. My greatest hope is that her nervous system can feel the safety and love we have created in our marriage. She is an everyday reminder that choosing to live your life in authenticity will grow the love that you have in your life. I also watch as each of our children open up to Genevieve, showing them how we all began — innocent and free of the trappings this life places upon us. 

In order to create love beyond loss, you must fiercely protect yourself and your energy to stay in safety and peace. As many of you know, David and I were both young widows with young children. The authenticity forced upon us in order to heal from the abandonment and loss of self  bestowed clear boundaries and a deep knowing of what is needed to be at peace. It’s also allowed our love to be unwaveringly present. We no longer have the energy to please or convince others that what we are doing is right for us. We lead our home with love and connection so that our children can feel safe enough to embrace the truest parts of themselves.

As we’ve grieved our multitude of loss, we’ve broken free from the false narratives and people-pleasing. But, our freedom did come at a price. We were abandoned by people we loved, both in losing our spouses and then losing friends and family who were unable to handle our grief and how we were choosing to live our lives post-loss. The abandonment of others who cannot tolerate the grief allows the griever to succome to the loss and the desire to be accepted and loved. This acceptance that we were not the same people placed us face-to-face with our true selves for the very first time. Friendships shattered. Survival patterns became extinct. The visceral need for external validation was no longer felt. Then, new friendships were born. New love was created. 

I never thought that my journey into the dark abyss of loss and widowdom would ever lead me to the life I have now, all of which was made possible by my decision to choose love despite my loss. You too can experience an incredible life after loss with self-love by making the choice to be seen for all that you are, no matter how messy or sad or broken you may think you are. Through this type of love, you will come home to yourself, baring the deepest parts of your soul for the rest of the world to see and returning to a life full of meaning. All that you need is inside of you. Even when your identity is stripped, as mine was in the moment my womb space was pulled from my body, you will connect to the parts of you that are beyond the body and beyond time. You connect to your soul, the part of you that is born in the body of an innocent infant. You were always enough. You were always love. Now the decision is to pour that love into yourself, and embrace the opportunity to recreate and choose life on your terms. This is the beauty behind loss. The clearing of the external and the false self frees your soul to be authentically you…and you, my dear, are love.